Table of Contents

Brian the Writer

and I was There

Brian McCorkle

Love on the net.

It was the event of all time. The big one, the Saturday night, the morning after, better than anything. Diamond Paul and Baby Legs Bonnie getting married, for real. I tell you it was the best thing that ever happened.

There is only one Diamond and only one Baby Legs in our chat room. There's only one of anyone. There's only one of me, JackNJill or JillNJack, depends how I feel. There's only one Vkiller Kammi, there's only one Trojan Charley. No dups allowed. Sometimes wannabes sneak in and try to fake it to be like Diamond Paul or Baby Legs. That's a no go stop right now. But we're not mean. First, we flame the wannabes. If they don't get the message, then it's click time. Lock the room to the wannabe with a loud WANNABES GO AWAY message. Too bad. They can't come back. We know how to lock our chats.

Like I said, I'm JackNJill. Some days I'm Jill, and some days I'm Jack. A first-class gender bender, that's what I am. The regulars like it. When I'm Jill, I swash at the guys, and when I'm Jack, I strut my fonts. I'm the only one who has a photo ikon for each gender. I'll bet I'm the only one on the whole net who can switch. It's great to be special.

Anyway, none of us regulars caught on that there was something going on between Diamond Paul and Baby Legs. They are, without any chance, the favoritest, hottest ones in our chat circle. Real pop-up. Everyone wants to get private time with them, but they always ignore the side messages and stay with the group. Baby Legs has a cute pair of baby legs dangling in her photo-ike, and Diamond has a you know what dangling in his. Real cute. Everyone just loves those ikons.

Well, a couple of us noticed that the two photo-ikes were next to each other quite often. I mentioned in a couple of privates that "Something is Happening Here, IMHO, that is."

Pretty soon there were more privates going on with a big buzzfest. After that, whichever hot one got in the room first, the polite thing to do was to make sure there was a space for the other's photo-ikon right next to the first one.

This was big-time romance. We all gushed and babbled innuendos while we were at the chats. They were even having privates with each other.

Still, I was kind of surprised when Diamond Paul emailed me. He wanted to keep things a secret for a while, but would I be his best man? Now, I am a bender and can go either way, so I could have been maid of honor. But he asked first, so Best Man I would be. And yeah, I'd keep it a secret. Usually, we don't have secrets in the chat, well, except maybe for the privates, but this was real special. When the news did get out, it would have to be all over the net. Diamond said he and Baby Legs had set up three special chats for the ceremony and one more for 'ahem' after. Ours would have the special guests as well as the ministrator. The other two could see what was going on, because they would see the photo-ikes of the bride and groom and see the wedding vows.

The big day finally came, and boy was I nervous, and excited, and impatient. I couldn't wait until the most popular of the best chat ever got married, on the net, over the wire, and I was part of it. And they were sharing this exciting event; shows you just how big-hearted they are. I was afraid that maybe I wouldn't be able to move my ikon to the right place at the right time. I fixed my photo-ike up with a big bow tie, sure to get a couple of chuckles, but no more. After all, it wasn't my day. I picked a nice Garamond for my font. Dignified and clean, just the right tone for a Best Man.

I heard that Just Plain Sally would be the maid of honor. I'm sure Baby Legs picked her just because of her rep. Made Baby Legs look even more pure. I knew she'd probably use some exotic font, just to show off.

There I was finally, my ikon straight across from Just Plain's mauve ikon with a see-through background. She looked real wicked. The ministrator came in with a generic black tie ikon and Bookman for its font.

When it asked for all to rise for the lucky couple, why, all the ikons in the room raised a half-inch all together. I couldn't see a single bobble or a single ikon out of alignment. It was like magic!

Baby Legs entered from the right with a white gauzy effect trailing from her ikon. I swear she had a new scan because she looked so radiant. I would have noticed that before. Her pop would really zoom now. I'll bet she'd have to get a couple more email addys.

Then Diamond Paul came in. Wow, wearing a diamond over his you know what, with just a small part of his you know what showing.That was such a sweet effect. I had a fleeting wish that I was Jill instead of Jack.

The ministrator asked me whether I were ready to give Diamond to be forever subscribed to Baby Legs, even in the event of comm lines down. I said yes and saw a bunch of ahs from the audience. The ministrator then asked Just Plain if she would release Baby Legs to share an email addy with Diamond forever and ever? Just Plain got a little carried away when she added gushingly to her yes. In fact, she let her gushingly drip to the bottom of the screen. But I did see a lot of oohs from the audience just the same.

The ministrator proclaimed, "The room is listen only," and sent to the couple, "Do you Diamond Paul take this Baby Legs Bonnie and be in chat forever?" Diamond answered with an "I WEBAWEBA DO." The ministrator turned to Baby Legs and repeated the question. Baby Legs frilled her webaweba across the room. The ministrator said, "You may go to your private now."

My heart just swelled. I know everybody else’s did too.

So Baby Legs and Diamond went off and clicked up a big private ikon. I could only imagine what was going on between them in that private. Kind of got my juices going, know what I mean. So I sent a private mess to Just Plain, after all we had just shared a magic moment. She emailed back a public, "Forget it freak-o-zoid. I'm all woman. You got a clue?" Yeah, I could figure that one out. She probably wanted to pull a train of ikons around the screen.

I noticed bunches of ikons leaving and wondered what was going on. I spotted a pair of lurkers, then did a quick list of the chat messages.

Sure enough, the lurkers had been flamed plenty good. But lurkers are stupid, nodeless really. They don't know what to do, so they just show up.

Of course, I had to leave. I knew the lurkers couldn't bother Diamond and Baby Legs. They knew how to lock a chat so tight nobody could get in or out.

But, it's still early and I'm still excited, big-time. I'll head down to some of the wannabe chats and pop in. You know, the ones where everyone paints their ikons with garish colors, and half the ikons are copied from sitcoms. I'll just stop into a few, just to let them know about the big event ... and that I was there.

First Appeared in Ego Trips Number One (Autumn 2002) Experimental Literary Journal of the Fox Valley Writers Club (Wisconsin)